A Medical Mama’s Tips, Tricks and Tales

Are you pregnant?

This was an unimaginable pregnancy from the day of abnormal genetic screening, to the amniocentesis, to the “slow leak” of my water a few days after the Amnio, to sitting in a room of doctors talking DNRs and hospice.

I say the pregnancy was unimaginable, and then… most of the days since then have been too.

One of the hardest things about being pregnant with Ryn was everyone commenting on our pregnancy. “You look so cute!” “A boy and a girl, you’ve got your pair.” “Oh she’ll be perfect, don’t worry.” “God’s got this.”

Somehow all the comments made it harder. As my belly grew, the fears grew, the comments grew, my heart ached more. It’s funny how what people see on the outside is so different than the realities on the inside. The poor growth, the high risk of still birth and early death, the other abnormalities.

And, how was I supposed to answer the “are you having a baby” question? Yes, but… we are being told she might not live? Yes, but she will struggle to survive? Yes, but I am mourning the loss of her already? Yes, but…… I am praying her diagnosis is a lie? It can’t be real?

She turned 3 this year.

That’s three years of suctioning. Three years of carrying. Three years of giving meds. Three years of carefully existing and trying not to bring home germs that could kill her.

And, at the same time, it’s three years of life I wasn’t expecting. Life I was told we wouldn’t get. It’s 3 beautiful, exhausting years of R leaving her mark, her firm stamp on my heart, on her big brother’s heart, and I really believe on the hearts of some of our friends and family.

Pregnancy heart ache was so.. hard. So real. Carrying a “dying baby” was like holding death in your belly, as your belly grew, the countdown to death ticked by.

Raising her, at times, if I let the science speak or the fear consume me, that ticking time bomb of a clock is still loud.

So, I aim for leaning in on the grace and peace of Jesus. On the family of God around me. On the here and now blessings of our great team of therapists, doctors and friends.

Some may say, she has no quality of life, but yall, follow my instagram (@meadorak) this girl laughs, floats, rolls, giggles, eats, and prefers strawberry ice cream and momma’s arms over everything else.

Love wins.